Dear me, well my mind actually - 6th

Dear me or my head rather…

I think I need a break. I mean a break where I am isolated - or indeed, where I am with my boyfriend and my boyfriend alone for a few hours, day’s maybe? But it would never be approved. Not by my 'Parents'. Do I want to call them that anymore? You should know the answer to that better than me - you are, after all, my head. My mind. My dead centre to more exact.

Ivor and Paula. That sounds better. But it also makes them nothing but people who are looking after me now. Looking after me sounds childish. I don't want looking after - I want out. I want to be free.

But I don't want the streets. Or the brokenness. Sounds a bit selfish - I know - but can't I be selfish? Can't I just want them there to give me the money when I do my chores or when I do my chores plus my sisters? Wait! I haven't been getting paid from them at all lately. Only on holidays where I got my wallet stolen and the 'loaned' me money and gave Emma money when she ran out and told her not to bother paying back. Just because I work - yeah. 3 and a half ours a week. For a tenner. Great. I can totally pay them back.

That is 60 euro they won’t see again. Not from me anyway.

I'm a little jealous of my sister - I admit. She gets everywhere; she gets money handed to her on a plate and doesn't do any chores. When I critise this all I get is ' Shut up Chloe! Just because you’re fuckin jealous of her! Don't be so jealous!' - Fuckin straight I'm jealous. I have been working for my money all my life - one way or another. Everything I own, I bought my self through saving up. So, why does she get treated completely different? Just because she eats like a fuckin pig. I'll say it! I like the fact she is fatter than me - she looks leaner and better than I did when I was her size. She is their golden girl, so fuck them!

I just ruined their perfect bubble. Or was it Box? Yeah, they said box. Not bubble. Bubble, to me, just sounds nicer and pleasanter.

I hate the fact that I might turn into my parents, Brain. Can't you make that stop? Don't you understand by now that the self harm, the smoking, the attempted drinking, the pill popping, the starving, the excessive exercising and the constant scratching is because I want to hurt. Because, perhaps, I want to hurt so bad I die from it.

Selfish Bitch. Yeah. I am. Perhaps a little insane. Maybe I belong in an Asylum. A real one.
I feel the need to call someone now. Not Alex. I don't want to worry him. Not Geo. We only made up. Nor Anne. I'm still pissed at her.
James? No. He doesn't care and wouldn't help much. Sam? Maybe it’s the same deal with him. I'm not sure.

I have no one really. Complete strangers yes, but no one close who I can really open up to. Maybe closeness doesn't mix with opening up. I actually don't know.

Sympathy. Yeah, that’s what I want. Again. Selfish. But maybe sympathy, the one thing I actually despise, will teach me to shut up and bottle up. Here I go again. Little miss self destructive.

"Chloe. Stop attention seeking." Tsk. Attention? What the fuck? If anything I want to disappear - from Emma, Ivor and Paula. Mostly the later two. Maybe from the world? Possibly.

Not from Alex, his family or his friends. Or Geo's friend’s ether- they have welcomed me to their circle. They seem rough, tired. Perhaps weary and I know Alex's group drink and smoke. Not just fags ether might I add.

I can already see a pattern. Rich kids, middle class kids. All the way to the poor kids. All of us. Turning to the rails or off them rather. Why? Why are we so destructive? Child abuse? Sexual abuse? - Maybe, but mostly no.

We have hatred. To the world and the people in it and we can see no where to go but to ourselves. That’s what you’re telling me now, brain, and you could keep going all night.

I wish I had insomnia. I wouldn't have to dream as often. Because there’s nothing in my dreams for me anymore. Not most of the time any way. There is the occasional one I wish that I never left behind.

Alas. It is not to be I am afriad.Possibly my writing of 'Dear' letters will cease after this - or maybe they will just be to those outside my own head. Who knows? But for tonight - I think I am finished. At least, I hope I am.

Because tonight - I just might have lost all will to live.

Dear Mum, Dad and Sister - 5th

Dear Mum, Dad and Sister

This holiday was the worst ever. I hate you all after this. It fucking sucked and I wanted home from the word 'go'. I was lonely yet I wanted nothing more but to escape and be alone. You all make me sick - you make me want to starve out of spite. Do you know how many times I considered running away from you all? Considered throwing myself in front of a car or over the side of the battlements of a castle? No? Well it was a hell off a lot.

I wanted to straggle you all. On the way to the air port today I actually imagined myself ripping your hearts from your chests, cutting the arteries open and watching you bleed out. Yes, I smiled too, wondering should I torture you first. But then I realised it was better to do it fast. I love you after all - but at the same time I hate you. I am standing on the line that separates the two emotions. And it’s ripping me apart inside.

Dear 'Family' - 5th

Dear ‘Family’ (although I doubt you care)

You love me. I know. And you try. I know that too. But to be honest - I don’t want you to try. I don’t want your help and as selfish as it sounds - I don't want you. I hate family and everything it stands for. It's just not me. I am not a family girl. Especially with a family that is so big and live so close together. It’s intimidating and threatening. You say they are scared of me and are walking on eggshells around me. Well, I welcome them all to my life. Since the day I was able to walk, I have been on eggshells around all of them. Since the day I could speak I always held my tongue. They scare me - I am just not my self around them. God forbid I act myself - I may ruin the 'perfect' bubble you have created.

I am happy to sit on the outside looking in at you all. I don't want perfect, I am embarrassed by perfect to be frank. When I brought Alex back to my house - I was embarrassed at how perfect, clean and big it was. He was impressed, I was mortified. I like his rented home, it's lived in and his family is so warm and welcoming. I can tell you don't approve because he is like me - gaunt and happy about it. Well, not happy. But at peace with it. I love him more than I can ever say - yes, now that I think about it. Even more than you all.

I have ruined your perfection, and I don't care. I am self destructive. I smoke now too - did you know that? And I drink sometimes. I cut myself again and I try and skip eating as much as possible. I want to quit the clinic too. If anything - I want to die before I reach your sad and depressing ages. Being an Adult seems scary and straight. I hate that.

I can't wait until I can leave and let you all become but a distant memory. Yes, this is how I feel. And I am not ashamed. Well, maybe a little.

Dear Alex (a while after)

Dear Alex,

I am insecure. If you haven’t noticed. But I know you are insecure too. But I am so paranoid and I desperately want this relationship to work out because you are amazing. Like - seriously amazing. You are hot and your personality is crazy - in a good way. I love you. But you know that. Or do you?

You are my life right now. Yes - I have admitted. You are my life. My life is Alex. End off.

I don’t want to leave you next week. I love every moment I spend with you - because time flies when I am with you.

I hate not being allowed out and being restricted to certain times ect but I hope that doesn’t effect how you feel.

Like I said if anything ever annoys you - tell me. It’s good to be able to talk in a relationship.

X Chloe

P.S I love you.

Dear Alex (same post as other Journal)

Dear Alex
You make me feel like such a wonderful person, even though I know I am far from it. You make me feel like I can do anything and be anything, like I am the most beautiful person in the world and I am perfect just the way I am. Even though I am not.
You don't let me put myself down - If I do, I am told off. Thank you.

It has been such a short time but I find you the easiest person to talk to in the world, I can tell you anything. And vice versa. You make me feel so comfortable but yet nervous all the same. I get butterflies just being around you. This is better than wonderful. I love it when we kiss, I love it when we cuddle and I love it when we just hold hands and talk for ages about nothing but everything at the same time. I love it that we discuss the future in such a real way and I love it that you don't mind that I have to put on weight because of my clinic. I love it that all the same you like my skinny frame. Because I love yours. I love everything about you. Your personality, your looks, your answers, your questions, your art, your ideas and your forwardness. I love it all.

I love that right now, I can't actually find words to describe this feeling and the fact that trying to has led me to waffle. This is what you do to me :)

Love, Chloe

Dear Friends (beginning of summer)

Dear 'Friends'

You’re making me chose. I hate choosing. He and I have only started dating and I feel guilty going out and not inviting you along. It seems selfish. Perhaps I shouldn't feel this but I so. But if you are uncomfortable you should have told me, not make me feel like I was the worst in the world of caring and trying to hard. You hurt me. Really, really hurt me. And it's not going to be the same.

You have always come first, before me and my new BF and I have always made this clear. And I have always been extra careful. So why do you throw this back in my face in such a rude manner. Boyfriends come and go but friends shouldn't. And I wasn't planning on you going so soon - but you've pushed that along for yourselves while blaming me.

Before you egged me on to go out with him so you could meet new friends and new people to add to our trio, but all of a sudden you don't want that. Am I supposed to guess that you 'aren’t in the mood anymore' to meet new people? Apparently I was told - but was I fuck!

I am outraged that you are doing this to me! Fucking outraged that you dare say that I am not trying when everything I do revolves around you both and your fucking immature ideas. I hate you. I loath you and so be it if I’m alone again - but I’m not going to be pushed around. Not again. And fuck I feel so wrong writing this and feeling this but I do. I am scared to contact you and even though we have ' resolved it ' I still feel like the bad guy and I feel so outraged and upset and just hurt.

What more can I say. But I don't think I wanted to be treated like this anymore – I don’t want to have to watch everything I say and do when I am around you both and I no longer want to have to listen to you both bitch about people who are different. Yes they may be rude to us for whom we are but be bigger than them and don't go to their level. Everyone should have an opinion - why can't they and we both?

I don't think our friendship can be treated as 'best' anymore.