Dear Friend

I'm not sure why I am telling you this but I maybe should start doing stuff like this. I dont' know what date it is, I could look at the calender but whats the point?
Sometimes I find it hard to say things so bare with me please.
I think that I'll never pass my GCSE's you know? I think that I will have to repeat and repeat and eventually give up. I'm never going to be able to stick the stress. I can feel myself crumbling already. But I'm holding it together because I have found a reason to actually look forward to each day. I don't love you not like I used to. I just think you make me feel better because I feel like you need me as a friend. I dont need you though, please don't take that the wrong way. But I want to need him. It doesn't make sense, I know but it might when you read on.
I feel sick when I think about my future because if its hard now, then its only going to get worse. Death is scary but living is that little bit fucking worse.
Worst of all, I can't tell anyone becasue they'll laugh.

I'm really fucking alone and I can't fix that. I don't want to get close to anyone because I'll only get broken again. Doesnt matter if they promise, they all leave. So will all my 'friends'. They'll leave and not keep ties. It pains me so fucking much to think this. And thats why I can't let anyone else get close to me, never again. Not so close that they see me cry or they know whats going on inside my head. To them, I'll be crazy and a mess. One big fucker of a mess.

I admit that. I am a mess. And I wish someone could tell me why. Nothing happened to me to make me like this. I wasnt hurt as a child, overly, or anything like that. So, why am I screwed up? Why do I have all these deep and profound thoughts just turning and turningg in my head? I feel like Charlie from The perks of being a wallflower. But he was more naive than I am and alot smarter.

I want to buy pot and smoke it til i'm too high to know my name. I just can't get any. I want to just forget about the world, go for a walk at night and stay out to all hours of the morning, just hanging out with a friend and discussing life while looking at the stars and smoking pot, or me smoking pot, and drinking and talking. Just, talking and laughing.

It doesnt make sense. Not even to me, but I want it.

I actually gave up alcohol and cutting myself for lent. I kept the alcohol well enough, but not the cutting. I guess its what I do. And I dont care. Becacuse its mine. Yeah, I know. You hate it and what not but yeah.

I know I may say that I'm fine alot and I am getting better but I dont really think I am. I just wish we could discuss life some time. You and me. And go for a long walk to nowhere at all and drink what ever and just maybe be in each others company. This could be aimed at anyone, but I aimed it at you because I have been holding out on you and I think you should know. This is what is beneth the surface and when I eventually tell you that I'm all better I want you to know that I'm more thna likly lying to protect you.

Argh. None of that made sense.

Please don't let this make it all awkward now. This just happens to me sometimes, I think too much and I need to say something. So, I'm sorry. Again.