You don't know me, I realise that, but I needed to talk to someone that I really trusted. I don't trust a lot of people. I guess you could say I have trust issues. However I would, I do, trust you with my heart - you seem like the type of guy I could relate to. Or maybe not - I don't know.
For the sake of this letter my nickname is Nyxie. I'm eighteen at the moment and living in the northern region of Ireland. I don't know where I'm going in life but I'm determined to make a change in the world. Somehow.
I have a big heart and this can be an awful thing, Mr Doweny Jr, believe me. Can I call you Robert? I hate to be disrespectful but it's easier. I've been hurt so many times that I have this wall around my heart. This wall is ten foot high and almost impossible to climb; but sometimes simple to crack. I've been hurt, yeah, but mostly I hurt myself. Apparently heartache and pain only lasts for 15 minutes and the rest is self inflicted. I don't know about that.
I messed up a lot, Robert. I started cutting myself when I was 8. I did drugs when I was 14. I smoked on and off from the age of 13. I've been drinking since 15 and I've tried to kill myself five times. I have recently given up both smoking and drugs. I broke hearts, I messed up my family; I made everyone ashamed. I seem to have this poison that just radiates from me, you know? I mess everything up Robert, I really do.
My family have always been this perfect little bubble. Tight knit and on top of one another. Then I came along. They never looked at me like anything. I was never smart enough, or pretty enough or anything. I made them all ashamed because I'm a suicidal mess, because I like men and women, because I'm not a traditional protestant and because I'm me.
I love my Daddy, I idolise him. But I feel like I annoy him. I definitely annoy my mother. She wants me gone, she always has. She, and the rest of my family, look down on me as if I were nothing.
I'm intelligent, really, I just don't like authority. I could talk to you all day about literature or philosophy or the human mind and body but I won't. I only talk about that shit in my blog because no one cares.
I'm sorry if this makes no sense. I didn't plan this letter - it happened and it's early in the morning and i'm just not great today. I'm not great any day Robert.
I guess I should expand on that.
So I've self harmed since 8 years old. I've tried to commit suicide. I've also been bulimic and anorexic. I didn't eat for years or I ate and threw up. I almost died. At that time I did the most drugs and drinking and cutting. It was then I tried to kill myself the most and when I wasn't doing it, I was thinking about it. I nearly died of natural causes; the heart stopping etc. I didn't, evidently but my hearts still fucked though.
I'm diagnosed with high end depression but I won't take my pills. I hate them. They never worked before - why would they work now?
I saw a counsellor and he looked just like you. Well almost. But I trusted him right off the bat because he reminded me of you not just in looks but everything else. I've never got on with any professionals before.
I don't think you need to hear any more about me. I still think of suicide a lot and that's the end of it. If I do it, I do it and if I don't then I want to be a counsellor. I want to make a difference by helping other people.
"The most screwed up people are the most honest."
That quote means a lot to me because it describes me in so little detail to a perfect, angular T.
On a more fan related note, although I promised I wouldn't bombard you with two much of either personal shit or 'I'MYOURBIGGESTFAN' shit. I am not your biggest fan but I do idolize you.
You're an inspiration. A great guy all round (in my eyes). You got over your demons and you've settled down with a lovely woman. You have a family and a career. I mean - man you're a legend. In my eyes you will always be a legend. Never change Robert, please. You're perfect and wonderful how you are.
I don't know why I wrote this or why it's going to you but I want to say I'm sorry for having done so. I say sorry a lot even when I don't need to. But it helped to get it all out. Slightly.
Nyx
For the sake of this letter my nickname is Nyxie. I'm eighteen at the moment and living in the northern region of Ireland. I don't know where I'm going in life but I'm determined to make a change in the world. Somehow.
I have a big heart and this can be an awful thing, Mr Doweny Jr, believe me. Can I call you Robert? I hate to be disrespectful but it's easier. I've been hurt so many times that I have this wall around my heart. This wall is ten foot high and almost impossible to climb; but sometimes simple to crack. I've been hurt, yeah, but mostly I hurt myself. Apparently heartache and pain only lasts for 15 minutes and the rest is self inflicted. I don't know about that.
I messed up a lot, Robert. I started cutting myself when I was 8. I did drugs when I was 14. I smoked on and off from the age of 13. I've been drinking since 15 and I've tried to kill myself five times. I have recently given up both smoking and drugs. I broke hearts, I messed up my family; I made everyone ashamed. I seem to have this poison that just radiates from me, you know? I mess everything up Robert, I really do.
My family have always been this perfect little bubble. Tight knit and on top of one another. Then I came along. They never looked at me like anything. I was never smart enough, or pretty enough or anything. I made them all ashamed because I'm a suicidal mess, because I like men and women, because I'm not a traditional protestant and because I'm me.
I love my Daddy, I idolise him. But I feel like I annoy him. I definitely annoy my mother. She wants me gone, she always has. She, and the rest of my family, look down on me as if I were nothing.
I'm intelligent, really, I just don't like authority. I could talk to you all day about literature or philosophy or the human mind and body but I won't. I only talk about that shit in my blog because no one cares.
I'm sorry if this makes no sense. I didn't plan this letter - it happened and it's early in the morning and i'm just not great today. I'm not great any day Robert.
I guess I should expand on that.
So I've self harmed since 8 years old. I've tried to commit suicide. I've also been bulimic and anorexic. I didn't eat for years or I ate and threw up. I almost died. At that time I did the most drugs and drinking and cutting. It was then I tried to kill myself the most and when I wasn't doing it, I was thinking about it. I nearly died of natural causes; the heart stopping etc. I didn't, evidently but my hearts still fucked though.
I'm diagnosed with high end depression but I won't take my pills. I hate them. They never worked before - why would they work now?
I saw a counsellor and he looked just like you. Well almost. But I trusted him right off the bat because he reminded me of you not just in looks but everything else. I've never got on with any professionals before.
I don't think you need to hear any more about me. I still think of suicide a lot and that's the end of it. If I do it, I do it and if I don't then I want to be a counsellor. I want to make a difference by helping other people.
"The most screwed up people are the most honest."
That quote means a lot to me because it describes me in so little detail to a perfect, angular T.
On a more fan related note, although I promised I wouldn't bombard you with two much of either personal shit or 'I'MYOURBIGGESTFAN' shit. I am not your biggest fan but I do idolize you.
You're an inspiration. A great guy all round (in my eyes). You got over your demons and you've settled down with a lovely woman. You have a family and a career. I mean - man you're a legend. In my eyes you will always be a legend. Never change Robert, please. You're perfect and wonderful how you are.
I don't know why I wrote this or why it's going to you but I want to say I'm sorry for having done so. I say sorry a lot even when I don't need to. But it helped to get it all out. Slightly.
Nyx
