Dear Mum, Dad and Sister - 5th

Dear Mum, Dad and Sister

This holiday was the worst ever. I hate you all after this. It fucking sucked and I wanted home from the word 'go'. I was lonely yet I wanted nothing more but to escape and be alone. You all make me sick - you make me want to starve out of spite. Do you know how many times I considered running away from you all? Considered throwing myself in front of a car or over the side of the battlements of a castle? No? Well it was a hell off a lot.

I wanted to straggle you all. On the way to the air port today I actually imagined myself ripping your hearts from your chests, cutting the arteries open and watching you bleed out. Yes, I smiled too, wondering should I torture you first. But then I realised it was better to do it fast. I love you after all - but at the same time I hate you. I am standing on the line that separates the two emotions. And it’s ripping me apart inside.

Dear 'Family' - 5th

Dear ‘Family’ (although I doubt you care)

You love me. I know. And you try. I know that too. But to be honest - I don’t want you to try. I don’t want your help and as selfish as it sounds - I don't want you. I hate family and everything it stands for. It's just not me. I am not a family girl. Especially with a family that is so big and live so close together. It’s intimidating and threatening. You say they are scared of me and are walking on eggshells around me. Well, I welcome them all to my life. Since the day I was able to walk, I have been on eggshells around all of them. Since the day I could speak I always held my tongue. They scare me - I am just not my self around them. God forbid I act myself - I may ruin the 'perfect' bubble you have created.

I am happy to sit on the outside looking in at you all. I don't want perfect, I am embarrassed by perfect to be frank. When I brought Alex back to my house - I was embarrassed at how perfect, clean and big it was. He was impressed, I was mortified. I like his rented home, it's lived in and his family is so warm and welcoming. I can tell you don't approve because he is like me - gaunt and happy about it. Well, not happy. But at peace with it. I love him more than I can ever say - yes, now that I think about it. Even more than you all.

I have ruined your perfection, and I don't care. I am self destructive. I smoke now too - did you know that? And I drink sometimes. I cut myself again and I try and skip eating as much as possible. I want to quit the clinic too. If anything - I want to die before I reach your sad and depressing ages. Being an Adult seems scary and straight. I hate that.

I can't wait until I can leave and let you all become but a distant memory. Yes, this is how I feel. And I am not ashamed. Well, maybe a little.